Layton Body Rub Scandal Threatens NDP Victory Party

 Scrambling to prevent its campaign from imploding, the NDP has launched an all-out offensive to counter the damage caused by the latest sex scandal in the federal election. Two days of relentless Conservative attacks show no signs of abating, and hundreds of NDP workers in remote ridings have been recalled to Ottawa.

The Conservatives are rumoured to have obtained statements from several former sex-trade workers offering explicit details of Mr. Layton’s amorous endeavours. In a grainy video, obtained through the Excessive Information Act, one worker gushes, “He was always a big tipper!” Another, using the name “Angel,” says Layton was a good customer. “But he talked too much about health care,” she says. “It was hard to concentrate.”

As well, a number of websites have appeared accusing Mr. Layton of prostitution, bigamy, abortion, child pornography, being a found-in, keeping a common bawdy house, and living off the proceeds of crime. The NDP has accused Mr. Harper of planting the stories in a desperate attempt to deflect attention from his party’s steep decline in the polls. Mr. Layton denies any wrong-doing.

In the latest twist, The Conservatives have set up a toll free tip-line at (866) 808-8407 for prostitutes to phone if they have any information about Mr. Layton’s shady activities.

Other reports have surfaced suggesting Mr. Layton was involved in an international prostitution ring that catered to well-placed clients and politicians in Ottawa, Montreal, Toronto and Vancouver. The suggestion has prompted the other party leaders to take up defensive positions. The Conservatives say Mr. Harper is a happily married leader whose family is as close as any can be to the national average of 2.3 children. Mr. Ignatieff says he did it only once in his college days. Mr. Duceppe could not be reached for comment. Found knocking on doors in Saanich-Gulf Islands, Green Party Leader Elizabeth May simply rolled her eyes and kept going.

With less than two days remaining in the election, pundits are speculating on the potential impact of this sudden diversion in the campaign. Jobs and the economy may be the top issues, but will sex scandals be on the minds of voters on Monday? We’ll have to wait and see.

How to get elected the easy way

Anthony Blair wants to get elected in the coming federal election. And Mr. Blair wants to be in the House of Commons so badly he changed his name.
The Toronto freelance computer programmer says people were always comparing his name to Tony Blair, the former British PM.
“I was sick of it,” he says.
Possibly the easiest part to getting elected was the name change. He had to fill out a simple form, pay a small fee, and prove that he had no outstanding debts and no criminal record.
If everything goes according to plan, getting elected will be as easy as changing his name.
Mr. Noneofthe, as the former Mr. Blair now calls himself, hasn’t picked a federal riding yet, and he’s going to wait until the last minute to do so. That’s because he wants his name to be at the bottom of the ballot. You see, the former Anthony Blair is now legally known as Mr. Abov Ernesto Noneofthe, and when voters see his name on their ballot it will read: NONEOFTHE, ABOV E.
Abov, as he prefers to be called, is hoping people’s disgust with most politicians and with politics in general will give him the advantage over his opponents.
“When the voters see ‘none of the above’ on the ballot, they’ll naturally tick the box beside my name,” he explains, hopefully.
The big challenge, Abov says, will be to find a riding where the surnames of all the other candidates are in the first half of the alphabet. Such information isn’t normally available to the public until after all nomination papers have been filed but Mr. Noneofthe thinks he can apply his Internet computer skills to get around that problem. He plans to use the same skills to obtain the required 100 signatures for his nomination papers.
Because of Canada's election rules, he won’t have to live in his chosen riding. In fact his election platform is non-existent and he plans to do no campaigning. His budget is a whopping zero — no signs, no literature, no knocking on doors, no candidates’ debates, nothing.
Of course Mr. Noneofthe will have to post the required $1000 deposit but he’ll see that money refunded after the election.
But if Mr. Noneofthe does get elected, will he move to his riding and actually take his seat in the Commons? Or will he immediately resign as a matter of principle? After all, if he wins it will be because the voters believed they were choosing none of the candidates.
He answers the question with a sly grin: “Just watch me.”
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Keep up with the latest campaign developments at
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/politics/

Syrup Producers see Spike in Late Season Sales

For a Prime Minister trying to impress the citizenry with his grasp of economics, Stephen Harper has stumbled badly. Mr. Harper was in Toronto’s Chinatown on Thursday to purchase Canadian maple syrup at the grocery store of David Chen, the 38-year-old man who has earned fame for nabbing a shoplifter last summer. Subsequently charged and acquitted for unlawfully arresting the culprit, Mr. Chen had his case described by the trial judge as a “cause célèbre.”

The Prime Minister purchased a 375 ml. bottle of medium grade maple syrup from Mr. Chen — not a very good deal at any time, especially in late winter.

Indeed, Loblaws supermarkets in Ontario are offering Grade A light syrup in 500 ml bottles for the same price that Mr. Harper paid for his 375 ml bottle.

A syrup industry spokesperson, speaking on the condition of anonymity, described medium syrup as “Grade B, what you try to sell off when all your grade A light is gone. The Prime Minister paid more and got less. Mr. Harper definitely showed fiscal ineptitude here.”

Perhaps when you have unlimited public money to spend, as the Prime Minister does, the best deal goes out the window. Then again, perhaps he’d never bought maple syrup before. Or perhaps he’d never gone grocery shopping before.

And if the Prime Minister’s gaffe didn’t do enough damage to the Conservative image as good economic managers, his shopping assistants — federal justice minister Rob Nicholson, and minister of state for seniors Julian Fantino — reinforced the blunder by purchasing smaller 250 ml bottles of maple syrup for almost the same price Mr. Harper paid.

Opposition politicians, including NDP Olivia Chow and Liberal Joe Volpe, who were in Mr. Chen’s store at the time, did not purchase any maple syrup.

Still, Canadian syrup producers are happy to see their product flowing again. Another unnamed source commented, “It’s almost spring and we’ll soon have a whole new crop of fresh syrup. Maybe we’ll have a new crop of politicians too.”

As for the relative value of Canadian maple syrup, the final word goes to Galen Weston, Chairman of Loblaw Companies Limited: “Isn’t this worth switching supermarkets for?”

(See follow-up in The National Post, Feb 23: Wasting public money...on maple syrup http://www.nationalpost.com/news/Wasting+public+money+maple+syrup/4329586/story.html)

A Poem for Cheryl (and Jonathan Goldstein)

How do I love thee, let me count the ways.
Loving thee is joyful — like singing a Christmas carol.
Loving thee is easy — like shooting fish in a barrel.
Loving thee is scary — without you I’m in peril.
My love for thee is awesome — and this poem is terril (ible).

(Listen to Jonathan Goldstein's Wiretap on Saturdays at 1:30 pm and Thursdays at 11:30 pm on CBC RadioOne.  http://www.cbc.ca/wiretap/ )

Update on Moonley's call to invest in Facebook.

I AM PLEASED to inform all my loyal readers that several GENEROUS PERSONS have offered me LARGE AMOUNTS of MONEY in the past week. Here is a sampling of the MAGNANIMOUS SUPPORT for my plan to buy a collective SHARE in FACEBOOK. (see my Jan 7 blog below)

From — Liverwood Promotion <web2220@btinternet.com>
Congrats! In a Lottery Draw Held Jan. 29 your e-mail has been selected as the Huge winner of £1,500,000.00 Pounds ($2,338,957.00 US).

From — The Barristers' Chambers: Marcus Andreen & Associates <barr.marcuschamber@london.com>
London WC1R 4JH, England.
On behalf of the administration and executor of the estate of the late Engr. Jochen Kruger you are a beneficiary in his will. He left the sum of thirty million, one hundred thousand dollars ($30,100,000).

From — Online Sweepstakes Result 2011 <stp@stp.gov.py> Reference Number: NL 2011 OS 1973.  e-ticket number: 444821545-NL/2010
Amount: Two Million, Five Hundred Thousand Dollars ($2,500,000)

From — Mr. Robert Brown <info@robertbrown.co.uk> reply-to lglchams05@aol.com
This investigation is about an account holder (Name Withheld) who bears same surname with you and the circumstances surrounding his investments at ADB Invest Account, the Investment arm of African Development Bank Group. The ADB Private Investment client died intestate and nominated no successor in title over his investments made at the bank amounting to over $7,000,000 in United States currency.

From — Peyton R. Knight <pknight@ec.edu>
Special Digit Code: RM10164/IT and Special Ticket Digit Code: RMA12744/2010-12.
This qualifies you to be the recipient of the grand prize award sum of Two million, five hundred thousand united States dollars. ($2,500,000).

And last but not least...
From — Mr. Peter T.C. Lee, a South Korean, happily married with children. <peterjplee@fastwebmail.it> reply-to leejppeterjp@yahoo.cn
I am a Director of Hang Seng Bank Ltd, in charge of the International Remittance department. I have a confidential business suggestion for you. I will need you to assist me in executing a business project from Hong Kong to your country. It involves the transfer of A LARGE SUM OF MONEY. (emphasis added by Moonley)

My friends, the money is flowing in. Send me your pledges today and get in on the action at Facebook.

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Join Facebook today, while there's still time :  http://www.facebook.com/

Hi-ho Silver! — Away!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rode into town on a hot day, tied up their horses outside the saloon, and went inside to drink some beer. They’d just got settled, when a stranger came in and said to the Lone Ranger, “Hey mister, is that your white horse outside?”

“Yes,” said the Lone Ranger, “that’s Silver. What’s wrong?”

“You’d better come outside,” said the man, “he doesn’t look too good.”

They all went outside and saw Silver lying on the ground, panting in the heat, exhausted.

“Quick,” said the Lone Ranger to Tonto, “get a bucket of water and soak this blanket in it. Then run around Silver waving the blanket at him. That’ll cool him off. I’m going back inside to drink my beer.”

The Lone Ranger was half way through his glass of beer when another stranger came in.

“Hey mister,” he said, “is that your white horse outside?”

“Yes, that’s Silver, said the Lone Ranger. “What’s wrong now? Is he alright?”

The stranger answered, “Your horse is fine, but you left your Injun running.”

Significant numbers by Moonley

6,000,000 - population of Beijing

4,700,000 - number of registered vehicles in Beijing

2,000 - number of new vehicles entering Beijing every day

30,000 - number of vehicles purchased by Beijingers in one week in November 2010
550,000 - total number of new vehicles in 2010
700,000 - total number of new vehicles predicted for 2011

24 - average speed in kms of a vehicle travelling in Beijing in 2010

14 - predicted average speed in kms of a vehicle by 2015

50+ - percentage of the planet's cement used in Beijing every year

2nd - rank, with Mexico City, as having the world's worst traffic

13 - number of freeways in Beijing

1 - number of highways in Beijing in 1990

(source - The New York Times, 01-02-11)

Mark Zuckerberg..the World's First Trillionaire?

 Hey it’s Moonley again. I just found out that Facebook is up for sale!  Yes! So shut up! Can you believe it?  I think Mark is going for the big one this time. He’ll soon be a trillionaire.  Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, Mukesh Ambani — they’ll all have to start washing dishes and taking out the garbage when Mark Zuckerberg is finished with this.

But the minimum investment is $2 million (unless you work for Goldman Sachs). I know, it sounds like a lot of money, especially when you’ve only got $37 in your bank account like me. But $2 million isn't really that much, like about the same amount of money in marijuana deals that changes hands in Canada every 6 hours.  We can raise the money, my friends, if we pool our resources. Remember that word — ‘pool.’  Me, I’d rather have a pool in my parents back yard and another one in my own back yard when I get my own apartment pretty soon. But you gotta start somewhere, right?

So post your pledges on my comments page. And I’ll set up the internet banking arrangements so you can send me your money online. That’ll be très cool. And then we’ll all have a share in the world’s biggest best most fantastic company ever. I mean that. 

Mayor Ford encounters blowback on 5ç shopping bag fee

Toronto's big new mayor, Rob Ford, may have gotten more than he bargained for when he threatened to bring back the free plastic shopping bag. Mayor Ford wants to scrap the 5ç charge on plastic bags at Toronto area cash registers. He told reporters that people were complaining about the charge after they had purchased big-ticket items such as winter coats and televisions. (Although it's difficult to imagine how anyone would fit such items into a plastic shopping bag.)


Residents are furious. It seems Torontonians don't want any more plastic bags than they already have. Advocacy group Stop-the-Madness has declared that the 5ç fee on plastic bags has actually been a huge success.  Yesterday organizers rallied its 7150 members for a bag-throwing demonstration at Nathan Philips Square. Participants, many still recovering from New Year hangovers, brought thousands of used plastic bags and dumped them at the doorstep of City Hall. Maintenance workers (also hung-over) were back on the job today after the long weekend, trying to clean up the giant mess. Compounding the situation, a stiff breeze at noon had blown several hundred plastic bags into nearby trees, causing workers to bring in large cherry-picking trucks. Littering charges against the demonstrators are pending.


Sergeant Dowson Jones of 26 Division at Toronto Police Service told reporters, "Pollution in this city will not be tolerated. Offenders will be charged and persecuted to the full extent of the law — if we can find them." Indeed, all the demonstrators have vanished, leaving only the accumulated mess of several thousand used plastic shopping bags around the front door of City Hall as evidence of their crime. The case continues.